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The message for this post is not as clear to me as the rest of them have been. The other posts I have written have had an agenda or just something exciting that happened to me that I felt needed to be shared. While I could tell you a story, right now I feel like it’s more important to tell you how my heart has been changed by God.

It seems like when we grow up in church we often hear a lot about things we can “do” for God to make Him more of the center of our lives. I have heard numerous sermons by various pastors preaching about how we can get closer to God. The goal is usually to make Him the center and everything else secondary. What usually follows is a “how to” list consisting of three main things; prayer, Bible reading, and becoming more involved in church. I feel like this is the part where I have offended someone, because it may seem as though I am implying that these things are not important and that God does not care about them. Trust me when I say that is not what I believe, nor is it the point. The point is while churches often offer these things up as vessels through which we can get to know God better, it can end up becoming a list of ways to make God love us more. For as much as Christians talk about how His grace is sufficient and His love is given freely, there seems to be a lack of experiencing this in daily life. I think what makes this even harder is that it is so subtle and kept so secret. Christians are well-trained at keeping their baggage hidden from plain view, so it ends up coming out in very spiritual, Christianized language. Think of how many times you have heard someone (or maybe you) say some derivative of:

“I have been feeling a little depressed, but you know, I just need get into the Word more and spend more time in devotions with God if I want to feel better.”

I know this because I have said in my heart if not out loud many times. The issues with this belief are numerous, and it honestly breaks my heart and sets a little fire under my butt as my soul cries for justice. First of all, in saying this I deny the importance of my feelings. When I tell people I have been feeling “a little depressed” it is usually because I am feeling really really depressed but I don’t want my feelings to burden or overwhelm you, so I minimize them. And I further minimize by assuming that if I spend “more time” (by the way, how much time is enough?) with God then I will feel better. We don’t often assume though, that feelings like this can arise because there is something that needs to be grieved. You may need more time than one prayer moment with God before you let go of what you are feeling. The other issue here is that there is a great deal of shame involved in a statement such as this. The assumption is that I should never feel depressed and to feel this way means that I have not spent enough time with the Lord, and so this is my punishment. Ipso facto, the way for me to earn back favor with God is to read the Bible and pray.

And this is how in the past I have developed solutions for life’s problems. I have prayed and read my Bible and checked God off my list. And did it help me feel better? Yes, actually it did. But only because I felt by doing so I had earned God’s love back for the day and now that I prayed enough He loves me and this helps me feel better about myself. I felt guilty for feeling depressed and then I felt better for making God like me again. I just turned my hurt feelings into a way to simultaneously punish myself and strive for God’s love. Basically, my punishment for feeling depressed was to spend time with the Lord. Weird how even now it can be hard for me to look forward to prayer time. Thankfully, this is changing

This is not to say that God has not spoken to me in those times. In fact, I am sure He was happy to be with me, except that I did not really go there to be with Him because I did not believe it was possible. I was too consumed with feeling unworthy and trying to get rid of my bad feelings that I missed out on a lot of what He had to say. It’s weird, because it’s sort of a reverse self-absorption. Even though I am engaging in self-hatred, my sight is completely misdirected because in doing so I am placing the focus entirely on me and ignoring what God has for me. I actually end up engaging in the very thing I feel guilty about.

Feeling unworthy can sometimes cause us to look for rules to follow to make us feel more worthy. This is where religion can come in, at least it did and still does for me. If I believe the only way to access God was to read scripture, go to church, and read the Bible, then I have placed God in a box which limits His work in me. My relationship with Him is then set on my terms, not His. But again, I thought to actually hear from Him was something that just needed to wait for until I got to Heaven because I am not worthy of it while I am on Earth.

Side note: Does our worthiness increase when we get to Heaven? Do we have less access to His love while we are on Earth even once we accept Jesus?

I bet now you’re wondering if I am going to tell you what we should do then, to know God more. Sorry, I refuse to give a list But what’s interesting is that we are all actually wanting the same thing, but a lot of times we are too afraid to ask. I am here to tell you that it is okay to ask the Lord to speak to you. It is okay to want to see Him face to face. It is okay to want angelic visitations and miraculous encounters. We need not be ashamed of wanting what the Lord designed for us to have from the beginning! He actually does want to encounter you because He thinks you are just that awesome I do not, nor will you “feel” Him all the time. But this is actually not about “feelings” as it is about a love encounter. This is a difference, though I have not the slightest clue of how to explain it. (Eph. 1: 3-9)

God does want to meet you in your moments of depression, hurt, anxiety, etc. He may not relieve your symptoms, but His peace is freely given. If you want a peace that surpasses all understanding, you have to give up the right understand.

I hope God embarrasses you with His blessing. Cindy